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Japan Jokes
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.
On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterward, the
American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management
decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting
firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommended corrective action.
The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one
person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people
steering.
After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant
firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on
the American team.
So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management
structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers,
three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person
rowing the boat to provide work incentive.
The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American
corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a
bonus for discovering the problem."
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The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got
together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and
asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so
the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the
Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since
we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something
world-famous." A German added," Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in
this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back
to us, and we will help publicize it."
With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked
6 months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the
group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in
the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you
have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert.
Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it."
The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said,
"Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new
one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly.
When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all
these Italians fishing off it."
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Japanese Banking Crisis
According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse.
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches.
Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at
Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff
there fear they may get a raw deal.
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Made in Japan
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.
On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.
During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out
of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out
of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese
leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a
number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport.
The fare was US$300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
France Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in
Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.
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Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless
Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France."
"Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?"
"Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"
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What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.
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Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul.
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First witch: I'm going to France tomorrow.
Second witch: Are you going by broom?
First witch: No, by hoovercraft.
England Jokes
Q: What's the difference between England and a tea bag?
A: The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
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Q. Why has Kevin keegan banned his players from owning dogs?
A. Because they can't hang onto a lead.
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The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all
girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his
wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,
"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you". His son
replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you." His son
replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him P&O Ferries. Just
before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you
bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you." His
son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and
their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before
his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. "Son, you are an
inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a
cowboy outfit". Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought
him the England football team.
German Jokes
Q: How does a German eat mussels
A: *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* ... AUFMACHEN !!!
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Q: What's the difference between a German and a shopping trolley?
A: A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.
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Why are there so many tree lined streets and leafy lanes in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
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After much discussion as to where the capital of the new Germany should be --
Bonn or Berlin -- a compromise was struck: Paris.
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Belgium's national motto:
Belgium: Gateway to France!
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Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
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Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germany's best
comedian?
A: Only the first one can make you smile.
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Q: Why was the Dresden bombing a mistake ?
A: The RAF made a (H)ASH of it!
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Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?
A: About 25000 if you've got a shovel
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Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour
later, you're hungry for power.
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Q: Have you heard about the new German microwave ?
A: It's got ten seats inside.
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Q: Why don't Jewish cannibals like eating Germans?
A: They give them gas.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?
A: A Beaner-Schnitzel
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"Two Martinis, bitte."
"Dry?"
"Nein, I said TWO!"
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Do you know why Germans build such high-quality products?
So they won't have to go around being nice while they fix them.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve Vill ask ze Questions!
Spain Jokes
Spanish dining
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty of
the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.
"These, senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the arms of the bull
killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious. So
he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served, he
says to the waiter, "These arms... are much smaller than the ones I had last
night."
"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always lose.
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In Spain they use a garotte.
It's pretty g'rotty.
Russia Jokes
What's meant by an exchange opinions in the Communist party of the
Soviet Union?
It's when I come to a party meeting with my own opinion, and I leave with the
party's.
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When Stalin was in office, he once noted that there were mice in his study and
complained to President Kalinin about this. The President thought for a moment
and suggested, "Why don't you put up a sign reading 'Collective Farm'? Half the
mice will die of hunger and the other half will run away."
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Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking.
"What are you here for?" asked one inmate of another. "They put me in for
beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich," snarled one man. "And why are you
here?" asked the second of the first. "For having defended some old Jew named
Khaimovich in a fight," he replied. "And what were you arrested for?" the third
inmate was asked. "For being Khaimovich," he sighed.
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Erich Honnecker (the president of East Germany) was invited to Moscow by
Gorbachev for a visit. After weeks of preparation by Gorby, Honnecker arrives in
Moscow. As part of the celebration activities, there is a big parade through the
streets of Moscow. While the two are watching the parade, Gorbachev takes a
small boy aside and asks him, "Who is your mother?" The child replies, "Mother
Russia." "And who is your father?", asks Gorbachev. The boy answers, "Why, its
you Uncle Gorbachev!". Finally Gorbachev asks the boy, "and what do you want to
be when you grow up?". The boy proudly replies, "a good communist!".
Erich Honnecker, meanwhile, has been watching this and is very impressed. So
impressed, that he decides to invite Gorbachev to [East] Berlin for a visit.
Again, after weeks of preparation, Gorbachev's plane lands in Berlin. And again,
part of the celebration includes a parade. Remembering what Gorbachev did in
Moscow, Honnecker repeats the scene: He asks a little boy in the crowd, "Who is
your mother?" The child replies "the GDR [German Democratic Republic - East
Germany]." "And who is your father?", asks Honnecker. "Why, its you Uncle
Honnecker!", replies the child. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?"
queries Honnecker. Without hesitation, the boy replies "an orphan."
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One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand
trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what
that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman). Just as
he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to
Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss
is. The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him.
The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same
officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks
what he is doing. The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer
beats him.
The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing
just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly
"what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The officer asks: "And
why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any Scheiss."
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What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
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What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
The bus and train timetables.
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What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A bloody miracle.
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One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with
his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her
choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich,
if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the
borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit
puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?"
The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
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Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist
philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn't
there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat
isn't there, but you keep shouting "I've found it! I've found it!"
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A dejected Communist Party candidate trudges home after the polls close. "So,
Marek, how many votes did you get?" asks his wife. "Two," he responds. She slaps
him hard across the face. "What was that for?"
"You have a mistress, now do you!!?"
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A Russian party-official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is
not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than
a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room
anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth
bunk in a 4-bed dorm - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but
eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dorm. On his way, he meets
a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his
room-mates, he asks her to bring them four cups of tea.
As he enters the dorm, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are
having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally
from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realises
he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up,
grasps a floor lamp and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone
he says: "Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room
immediately!"
The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid
knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds
the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the
entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly. The next morning, however, as
he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him: "By the
way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke
last night!"
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Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat
today."
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A young member of the German communist party went to his senior comrade with a
strange request: he wanted permission from the Party to emigrate to West
Germany. (It is only with the permission of the Party that people are allowed to
leave East Germany. Often it is "granted'' as a method of eliminating people
with inappropriate attitudes.)
"For what reasons could you possibly want to leave the Socialist paradise, young
comrade?"
"Well, sir, I have a main reason, and a kind of side reason. The side reason is
this: I know our Party has established a paradise here in the Democratic
Republic, but the reason I want to leave is that I am very afraid that it will
not last."
"Don't worry, son! It will last for ever."
"Well, good, sir: but that brings me to my main reason...."
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What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they started using
candles?
Electricity.
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What is Communism?
The Poles say it's the longest and most painful of the roads to capitalism.
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A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve
frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the
Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly,
they are French."
"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They
have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise.
Obviously, they are Russian."
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You know you have been in Russia too long when ...
You have to think twice about throwing away the empty instant coffee jar.
You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."
You say he/she is "on the meeting" (as opposed to the more proper "at the" or
"in a" meeting).
You answer the phone by saying "allo, allo, allo" before giving the caller a
chance to respond.
You save table scraps for the cat(s) living in the courtyard.
When crossing the street, you sprint.
In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least
likely to impale you on the head.
You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga.
You let the telephone ring at least 3-4 times before you pick it up because it
is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it
might be nice day for a change.
You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles to go 2-3 miles while it
is snowing.
You actually know and care who won the last Spartak soccer match.
You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are
proud of it.
You hesitate to put on your seat belt to avoid offending the taxi driver and the
impending 5 minute conversation to explain why you are putting it on.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually toilet paper in the WC. ( On
what trip in Poland, After 3 days I was shown where the toilet roll was kept, I
was told by my colleague that we had now achieved trusted advisor status)
You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
You're anxiously concerned because you forgot your "just in case" disposable
hypodermic needle in your other coat.
You "automatically" hand in your pepper spray at the door before going through
the metal detector.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually wine in that bottle of
Georgian Kinzamaruli. ( Not everyone gets this one, email for solution!))
You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous.
Your day seems brighter after seeing that Goon's Mercedes run into by a
pensioner's "Moskvich".
You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
Your not sure what to do you when the "Gai" only asks you to pay the official
fine.
You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in
order.
You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
You plan your vacation around those times of the year when they turn off the hot
water.
You're offended when your American friend gives you a "dozen" roses.
You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.
You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses
Kleenex.
You are envious that your expat friend has smaller door keys than you.
You ask for no ice in your drink.
When you start using "davi" instead of "yes".
When you go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity, not recreation.
When you develop a liking for beets.
When you eat hot dogs for breakfast.
When you begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady.
When you know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
When you swear the arms on Gagarin's statue move (see photo).
When you move to Budapest and think you're in heaven.
When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.
When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
When you start shopping for products by their country of production
When you go for a walk in the park, Baltika in hand, and its -8 and snowing.
When it doesn't seem strange to pay a the GAI of $2.25 for crossing the double
line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen
vegetables at a lousy restaurant.
When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka.
When you start to "feel" public transport and bridge opening schedules.
When you know more than 60 Olgas
When you give you business card to social acquaintances.
When you wear a wool hat in the sauna.
When you put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.
China Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing
in Red China?
A: You never leave home.