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Baked beans and their delightful
tune
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat
lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his
beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd
have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he
could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large
helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making
him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and
she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt
for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better,
when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one
snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute
later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his
lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He
assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.
Flower Flub-o-rama
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also
sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the
card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the
card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you
deserve it."
Chocolate Ice Cream
A man walked into an ice cream shop...
Man: I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I'm sorry sir, but we're out of chocolate. Would you like something
else?
Man: Yes, I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: I'm sorry, but we don't have that. Would you like to try a different
flavor?
Man: Um... yes. I'd like some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: We don't have that. How about a different kind of ice cream?
Man: I'll have some chocolate ice cream.
Scooper: Look, Mister, can you spell the “van” in vanilla?
Man: V-A-N.
Scooper: Can you spell the “straw” in strawberry?
Man: S-T-R-A-W.
Scooper: Can you spell the “fuck” in chocolate?
Man: But there is no “fuck” in chocolate!
Scooper: That's what I've been trying to tell you!
Prisoner of War
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went
to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
IQ Test
Intelligence Test Instructions:
Write each of your answers down, it makes a difference! You will be allowed 10
minutes to complete the test. Write your answers in the spaces provided. Are you
ready? What is the time?
Start.
1) Some months have 30 days,some months have 31 days. How many months have 28
days? ____________________
2) If a doctor gives you 3 pills and tells you to take one pill every half hour,
how long would it be before all the pills had been taken? ____________________
3) I went to bed at eight o'clock in the evening and wound up my clock and set
the alarm to sound at nine o'clock in the morning. How many hours sleep would I
get before being awoken by the alarm? ____________________
4) Divide 30 by half and add ten. What do you get?____________________
5) A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many live sheep were left?
___________________
6) If you had only one match and entered a COLD and DARK room, where there was
an oil heater, an oil lamp and a candle, which would you light first?
____________________
7) A man builds a house with four sides of rectangular construction, each side
having a southern exposure. A big bear comes along. What color is the bear?
____________________
8) Take 2 apples from 3 apples. What do you have? ___________________
9) How many animals of each species did Moses take with him in the Ark?
____________________
10) If you drove a bus with 43 people on board from Chicago and stopped at
Pittsburg to pick up 7 more people and drop off 5 passengers and at Cleveland to
drop off 8 passengers and pick up 4 more and eventually arrive at Philadelphia
20 hours later, what's the name of the driver? ____________________
Answers in the following article - no cheating now! GOOD LUCK!
Answers: 1) All of them. Every month has at least 28 days.
2) 1 hour. If you take a pill at 1 o'clock,then another at 1.30 and the last at
2 o'clock,they will be taken in 1 hour.
3) 1 hour. It is a wind up alarm clock which cannot discriminate between a.m.
and p.m.
4) 70. Dividing by half is the same as multiplying by 2.
5) 9 live sheep.
6) The match.
7) White. If all walls face south, the house must be on the North Pole.
8) 2 apples. I HAVE 3 APPLES, YOU TAKE 2, WHAT DO YOU HAVE?
9) None. It was Noah, not Moses.
10) YOU are the driver.
Grading Scale (out of 10)
8+: Engineer
7: Student
6: High school pupil
5: Primary school pupil
4: Teacher
3: College lecturer
2: University lecturer
1: Member of Congress
Where did I put it?
A girl was standing talking to her friends when one of them said, “Why have you
got a tampon behind your ear?”
And she responded “Shit! Then where did I put my cigarette?!”
Grosser Than Gross - Pudding
What's grosser than gross?
Dreaming about eating chocolate pudding, and waking up with a spoon in your
butt.
You Know You're Out Of College
When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little
less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
The Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but
I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just
where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and
perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can
really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out
in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a
bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me
to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's
fainted!''
Hide the Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After
dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving
him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's
chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out
another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything
out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
Bishop And The Ass
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was
a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The
preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop
was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The
Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for
the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains,
and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS
IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
In The Navy
A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave
without washing his hands.
"Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands."
"In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."
Tickle These, Elmo
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets
he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and
will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says
he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The
woman happily accepts.. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties
and that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The
Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just
hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly
line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from
here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She
has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of
marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2
marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
Christmas Cop
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and
next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid said, "Yeah."
The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."
The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid took the ticket.
Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse,
instead of on top."
Party Fun for Dorks
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry, it's just me!
Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals
who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them
there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at
a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Stealing From Work
What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?
Self-employed.
Uncle Ted's Morals
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes
home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy
raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the
chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto
the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your
eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with
only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he
floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun,
but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The
blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Small Talk
There was a Northern lady and a Southern lady sitting together on a plane.
The Southern lady faces the northern lady and cheerfully asks, ''So, where y'all
from?''
The Northern lady goes, '' I never answer a question that ends with a
preposition.''
They both sit there silently the rest of the trip. At the end of the flight, the
Southern lady looks at the Northern lady again and politely asks, '' So, where
y'all from...bitch?''
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was
wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't
listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I
knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over
the border yet?"