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A Horse, Of Course
What did the horse say when he fell?
“I've fallen and I can't giddy up!”
The Insomniac
How do you describe a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
It's a guy who sits up all night wondering if there is a dog or not.
Watch and Learn
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing
it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing
panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
The Reason Why I Fired My
Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say
“Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought,
“Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy
Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you
and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's
go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She
said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said,
“Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six
minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife,
children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there
on the couch I sat... naked.
Satanic Starbucks
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him
a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could
chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told
the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and
tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he
definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around
drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around
in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil
this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped
his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice
came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Back on your heads!"
Elementary, My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there
are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we
are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful
day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has
stolen our tent."
Casket
Q: What did one casket say to the other casket?
A: Is that you coffin?
That IS The Only Difference
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.
Actual Instruction Labels...
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO''S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS'' COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY''S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Fascinating
A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word "fascinate" in a
sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.
"I saw an airshow. And it was very fascinating."
"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" She
then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.
"I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating."
"Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'"
Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.
"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"
"Go ahead, Billy."
"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only
fascinate."
Metaphysical Downsizing
One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly
he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk
too.) Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp
and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and -- oh, surprise -- out
popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government
worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!”
So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of
money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even
have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island
with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he
was there.
Then the government worker -- or, as I like to call him, civil servant --
decided on his third wish, “I don't want to do any work ever again!” and poof --
ubiquitous ironic twist -- he was back in his office.
Johnny Cannot Tell a Lie
One time, back in the day, a boy named Johnny was walking to school with his
girlfriend. He was trying to impress her, so he said, "I bet you I can push my
father's outhouse into the river."
She didn't agree with him, so he proved her wrong. Impressed, she walked the
rest of the way to school hand in hand with Johnny. That day at school, they
studied the story about George Washington and the cherry tree. The moral that
they learned was "never tell a lie."
After school, Johnny went home. When he walked in the door, his dad met him. He
said, "Son, did you push my outhouse into the river?"
Johnny said, "Dad, I want to be like George Washington and never lie, yes, I
did."
And his dad beat him from one end of the house to the other. You could have read
the newspaper off of Johnny's rear end.
After Johnny was finished sobbing, he asked, "Dad, why did you whoop me? I
didn't lie. George Washington cut down the cherry tree and didn't lie about it,
and he didn't get a whooping."
Johnny's dad looked at him and said, "Son, I bet George Washington's dad wasn't
sitting in that cherry tree when he cut it down, was he?"
Life's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you
take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
4. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going
faster is a maniac?
5. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when
she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
6. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other
one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they
are always locking three of them.
7. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's
because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only
have photographs of her on the wall.
8. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Spring of 1957
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to
pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and
invites him in. “Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?” he says.
“That's cool,” says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely
that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father
responds, “Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing
it.” Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad
to repeat it. “Oh yeah,'' says Carrie's father, ''our Carrie really loves to
screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!”
Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is
beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless
with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her and screams at her father: “Damn it, Daddy! It's called the twist!”
Forty Toothed Monster
Holder-Backer
What has 40 teeth and holds back a monster?
My zipper.
Telemarketer Repellant
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how
long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this
line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking
them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as
necessary.
Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."
If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out
goat blood? How about human blood?"
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will
give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on,
Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder .
. . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the
salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.
Smurf and Turf
Why do the smurfs luagh when they frolic through the forest?
Because the grass tickles thier balls!
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and
a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so
well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking
creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
David's Brother David
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her,
"How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she
answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running
in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Rooster and Owl
What do you get when you cross a rooster and an owl?
A cock that stays up all night!