HOME
Southern Hospitality-Airplane
Style
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the
other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So
where y'all from?"
The Yankee turns her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replies, "I am from a
place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the
Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from,
bitch?"
You know you drink too much
coffee when...
Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You can't remember your second cup.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
You don't sweat - you percolate.
You grind coffee beans in your mouth.
Get On The Bus
A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks.
''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!''
''That's a stupid thing to ask!''
The Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no
poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there
is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped,
so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so
you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your
pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it
out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush
without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you
do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was
leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so
fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and
splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your
about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you
know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it
loose.
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when
you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Little Old Lady Knows How to
Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,
for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old
lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady
then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my
lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today,
I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
Bombed Outta My Head
Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town
they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped
a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The
first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw
another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child
laughing his head off.
"What's so funny?" they asked him.
"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."
Getting Old
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the
mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided
to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and
buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the
thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane,
remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other
lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When
I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed
for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are
growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"
Urethra vs. Garden Hose
Q: What's the difference between a urethra and a garden hose?
A: Well, let me tell you, there's a vas deferens...
Height of Laziness
What is the height of laziness?
Adoption.
Dragging Their Feet
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right
foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says,
Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
Hell Freezes Over
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering,
Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr. Schambaugh is
known for asking questions such as, ''Why do airplanes fly?'' on his final
exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat
and Mass Transfer II class was:
''Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.''
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for souls entering hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of
souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose. 2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes
over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan
during Freshman year, ''that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with
you'' and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is
exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
The Marine Shares a Room
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care
where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the
manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm
not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine
explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,
beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Muffin Diver
There were two muffins sitting in an oven. The first muffin looked at the second
muffin and said, ''Man, it's getting hot in here!'' Then the second muffinlooked
at the first muffin.
''Oh, my God! A talking muffin!''
Difference!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
20 Types You Meet in the Men's
Room
1) Excitable -- Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
2) Sociable -- Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
3) Cross-eyed -- Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
4) Timid -- Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
later. 5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
6) Clever -- No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.
7) Worried -- Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
8) Frivolous -- Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and
bugs.
9) Absent-Minded -- Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
10) Childish -- Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
11) Sneaky -- Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
other stall will be blamed.
12) Patient -- Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.
13) Desperate -- Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
14) Tough -- Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.
15) Efficient -- Waits until he has to crap and does both.
16) Fat -- Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.
17) Little -- Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
18) Drunk -- Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
19) Disgruntled -- Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
20) Conceited -- Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.
E-mail Error
It's wise to remember how easily e-mail can be misused, sometimes
unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided
to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was
directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day
before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
The Blind Guy Polemic
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most
see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk,
he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She
took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since
it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well
wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at
least ironed the damn thing."
How to Write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru
plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can
concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon
as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the
world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly
worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours,
anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the
finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated
strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write
that darn paper.
Men and Diapers
Why are men like diapers?
They are always on my ass and full of shit - thank goodness they're disposable!