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Things I've Learned from My
Children
1. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
2. A 3-year-old is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to
rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a large room.
5. When using the ceiling fan as a baseball bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old
man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire
even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a six-year-old.
11. "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on
water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise in a moving car.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like
ovens.
20. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. It
will, however, make cats dizzy.
21. Cats spit up twice their body weight when dizzy.
New York State of Mind
Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed?
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.
The Living Statues
Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues
faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two
of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I
am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have
30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each
other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The
angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes
rustling, and twigs snapping.
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
smiling.
Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have
fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down
and I'll crap on its head!"
Sexually Exhausted Jock
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches
the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class
and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your
Roommate
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after
your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days,
and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He
just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how
much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room
with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and
say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend
to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later
on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for
several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich.
Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is
my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as
you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at
your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the
bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want
to watch them suffer.'''
15 Ways to be Annoying
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until
your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your
neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in!
He's the killer!''
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you
should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little
men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if
anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the
roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry,
the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by
randomly breaking out into song in public.
Split Up The Middle
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old
boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly
old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the
back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when
I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in
her all at once and she split right up the middle."
Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses
and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to
where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally
the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the
Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually
they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the
shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Don't Make Me Bible Belt You
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a
minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
"I'll make a deal with you," said his father. "You bring your grades up, study
your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we'll talk."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss
his use of the car.
"Son, I'm real proud of you. You've brought your grades up and you've studied
your Bible, but you didn't get hair cut!"
"You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
People Really Said These Things
In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Aye, Aye, Captain!
There once was a captain of a ship, and everyday at a certain time he would lock
himself up in his cabin and look inside a mysterious black box. He did this
everyday, but he told nobody what was inside the box. Then one day he died, and
in his testament he gave the crew permission to open the box. So they opened the
black box. And what they found was a piece of paper:
''Starboard is right, port is left.''
Survivor for Alabamans
With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor", Alabamans have made
their own version.
Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to
Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "I'm
gay, I'm a yankee, and I'm here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.
Mommy and Daddy Dearest
There are some children in a class naming animals and they come across a picture
of a deer.
So the teacher asks Bobby, “What is this animal called?”
“I dunno,” claims Bobby.
So then she says, “I'll give you a hint—it's what your mother calls your
father.”
The boy thinks for a minute and then says, “Oh that's what a son of a bitch
looks like!”
Montana Ghost Story
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the
supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in
ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the
podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’
Sh#!
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can
communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English
language....
Consider this: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck or have shit for
brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for
your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit,
sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit and
die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded and shit over. Some people
know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits. There is bull
shit, and horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch
shit or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit or
serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than
a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are
just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit and
there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough
shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit,
have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at
all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a
lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. Shit! When you stop to consider
all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you
know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Please Grab!
A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to
return a toaster for refund because it didn't work.The clerk told her that he
couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden the
woman threw her arms up and yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk didn't know what to do, so he called the store manager who asked her
if he could help. She explained that she wanted to return the non-working
toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because
she bought the toaster on special.
Once again she yelled, "Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular
phrase. She replied, "Because I like my tits grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Ghost
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel
problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a
drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets,
throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the
commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Getting Weighed
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?"
asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He
guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again
asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want
to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping
her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Something Borrowed, Something
Blew
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and
the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his
face.
The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but
what's up - you look so excited.''
The groom replies, ''I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire
life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest
smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy
to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''
The bride replies ''I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''
The Three Nuns
Three nuns die, but they all have to answer one question to get into heaven. The
first nun is asked who the first man on earth was. She replies, ''Oh that's
easy, Adam!'' Lights flash and the pearly gates open.
The second nun is asked ''Who was the first woman on earth?'' she says, ''That's
easy, Eve!'' Lights flash and the gates open.
The Third nun is asked, ''What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?'' The nun
is puzzled and can't figure it out, so she says, ''That's a hard one.'' Lights
flash up and the pearly gates open.