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Lost & Found
One day, on a notice board, a message was written:
''A parker pn lost if found plz return to me'' The next day, another notice was
put up:
''If anybody finds an E plz add it to the spelling of PEN'''
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Ford Manufacturing
Q: Why does Ford still manufacture cars and trucks?
A: Because they are trying to keep the towing industy alive.
The Secret of Speed
Plane: How do you fly so fast?
Rocket: You'll know when your ass is on fire!
One day a hunter was walking...
One day a hunter was walking through the woods and spotted an Indian Chief being
chased by a grizzly bear. So the hunter pulled out his trusty rifle and shot the
bear, saving the Indian Chief's life.
The Chief invited the hunter back to his camp to throw him one heck of a bash
for saving his life. There was plenty of food. Indians were dancing all over the
place with happiness. They were smoking the peace pipe when the Indian Chief
said to the hunter, "I have a very special surprise for you. I've picked 500 of
my prettiest Indian maidens. You look at all of them and chose one, she will be
your wife."
With this, the Indian Chief clapped his hands and out of several teepees emerged
young beautiful Indian maidens. They walked in front of the hunter so he could
get a better view of them. The hunter noticed that all of the maidens were
topless. And with closer inspection, noticed that none had any nipples on their
breasts.
''Why don't any of his maidens have nipples on their breasts?''
''What, you've never heard of the Indian Nipple-less 500?''
A Sweet Ass Story
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and
Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd
you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond
Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that
this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went
up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky
Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I
said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why
don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my
Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my
Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a
Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
Doctors vs. Lawyers
Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the
other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took
the aisle seat next to the two attorneys.
The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
the attorney in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."
"No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician shoe and spat in
it.
When he returned with the Coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, think
I'll have one too."
Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the
other attorney picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned
and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the
Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had
happened.
"How long must this go on?" he asked.
"This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This
spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?"
Top Ten... Sleeping at Desk
10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''
9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time
management course you sent me to.''
8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in
time!''
7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm.''
6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''
5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess.
Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''
4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.''
3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''
2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''
1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's
it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"
Three nuns die and go to
heaven....
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St Peter at the pearly
gates. St Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting
you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek," and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna," and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Virginia Pepalini.".
St Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Virginia Pepalini" replies the nun.
St Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a
bell.
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St Peter. He
reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says the Virginia Pipeline was
laid by 500 men in 7 days!".
Sex On The Beach
A guy is walking along the beach, when he meets a girl with no legs, crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been hugged," she says. The guy hugs her, but she continues crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been kissed," she says. The guy kisses her, but she continues
crying.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I've never been screwed," she says. The guy picks her up and throws her into
the water.
"There," he says. "Now you're screwed."
Poppa is a Brand New Bag
Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!
Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300
mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
How to be Obnoxious in Jr.
High...
1) In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, ''I'm on
fire!'' Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, ''Aren't you glad I decided to come
today?''
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and
scream, ''I win!''
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, ''Mmm, never seen
that shape before.''
8) ''But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!''
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (''Sheesh, so
America won the Revolutionary War?'').
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) ''I was never told there was going to be a test.''
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalk at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it
breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your
hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, ''No I will
not have sex with you!''
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.
You So Ugly
You so ugly, your mama put you next to a piece of crap and said "Twins!"
Painful Bar Joke
A guy walks into a bar, and sustains a mild concussion.
Hate to Brag
I hate to brag, but if I was sitting on the toilet, and got the hiccups, I'd
siphon the bowl dry!
Beverly Hillbilly Bobbitt
(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with little
fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off
his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the
car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend. Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed the attack, And
they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they
barked and they pointed, 'over there!' To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in
the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now Peter and John couldn't stay
apart too long, So a dick doc said, 'Hey, I can fix that dong!' 'A needle and a
thread is all we're gonna need,' and the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream. Well he healed and he
hardened and he took his case to court, With a half-assed lawyer cause his
assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And
his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is.
Unexposed. Case closed.
Real Stories of the
Non-Technical
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who answered said, "Bob
is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"
I worked with an individual who plugged their power strip back into itself and
for the life of them could not understand why their computer would not turn on.
"Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
"A little. What's wrong?"
"Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a
cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
"How did you load the sheet?"
"It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by
accident. So I folded it so only the recipient could open it and read it."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some
help?" I asked.
"I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote control door unlocker.
Now I can't get into my car. Do you think that store would have a battery for
this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the keys and manually unlocked the door, I said, "Why don't you drive
over there and check about the batteries? It's a long walk."
Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Caller: It says 'Hit ENTER when ready.'
Tech Support: Well?
Caller: How do I know when it's ready?
A man moved to New Mexico and called his credit company to change his address.
When he told the girl where he was moving, she told him that she couldn't help
him since they didn't issue cards outside of the United States!
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address
from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As
he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or
anything, but what state is it in?"
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day, he was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What
do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on
the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying
to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory
named "i386."
He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line
thing?"
I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks
like an upside-down exclamation mark."
I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?"
And he said, "Yeah, that's it!"
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the
garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing
generally looked like it had been an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, and
then went in back to make a sandwich.
50 Fun Things to Do in an
Elevator
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other
passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up,
dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of ''It''s a Small World'' incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you''re on rough seas.
7. Shave. (Especially if you''re a woman.)
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: "Got
enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting
off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then
act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you, "Admiral".
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until
you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I''ve
got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now. Damn
motion sickness!"
19. Give religious literature to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing, "Mary Had a Little Lamb," while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You''re one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "Mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do," and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space".
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh
mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it''s getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"