HOME
I''ve Found Religion! It''s In
My Plate.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come inpacks of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, ''I''ve been seeing this girl for a while and she''s really
hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight''s ''the'' night. We''re having
dinner with her parents, and then we''re going out. And I''ve got a feeling I''m
gonna get lucky after that. Once she''s had me, she''ll want me all the time, so
you''d better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to
dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the
blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his
head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
person."
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."
Rumored Corporate Mergers
It has long been rumored that W. R. Grace Co. was considering buying the Fuller
Brush Co. along with Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business
Systems. This mega-corporate entity could be known as Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Failed merger: Yahoo and Netscape. Net 'n Yahoo didn't work out because they
would have to relocate the headquarters located in Tel Aviv.
Proposed merger: Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers, to be called
Fairwell Honeychild.
Rumored merger: Wurlitzer with Xerox. They are going to market reproductive
organs.
Possible merger: Warner Brothers, Polygraph Records and Keebler -- to be
called... Poly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merger: mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco and Dakota Mining: Dip Audi Do Da
Swissair and Cheseborough-Ponds: Swisschese
Honeywell, Imasco and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home
Luvs Diapers and Hertz Rent-a-Car: Luv Herts
Upjohn and Chuckie Cheese Pizza: UpChuck
White Castle Burgers and Glad Trash Bags: White Trash Bags
Diet for Stress
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for This Diet
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are
canceled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than
they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy,
toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds,
buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories.
The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process
of preparing something.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are:
spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the
density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories
rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL
know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS
Leg Talk
What did one guy's leg say to the other?
“Look at Shorty—he's growing a beard!”
Black Eyes
A guy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him
and is very concerned.
"What happened, my child?"
"I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me
had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye."
"Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?"
"Well, I thought I'd done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back."
King's Army
Where does a king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
Bed Football
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He
yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining...
when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's
the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
Ponderous Notions
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How to Annoy Your Co-Workers
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them
one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a
different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachie."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're
doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did
this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone
Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a
printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they
want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual
debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the
lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean
back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn
from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Tech Glossary
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become
obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the
computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a
computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a
Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced
'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on
vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
The Cab Driver Goes to Heaven
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter,
who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St.
Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into
Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the
preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay,
we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave
that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a
cabbie."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are
interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove
his taxi, people prayed."
The Witty Truck Driver
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low
bridge ahead." He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right
there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas"
Parrot Boy
There was a old man sitting on a bench outside the mall.
A young man walked who had spiked hair that was orange, yellow, green and red.
The old man just looked at him.
The young man said '' What's the matter old man? Haven't you ever done anything
crazy in your life? '' And the old man said ''Well actully I have. I once got
drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wandering if you were my son.''
Helping the Pope With His Holy
Crossword
A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is
doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles.
I hope he will ask me for help."
Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter
word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he
couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and
finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an
eraser?"
Tech Support
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is
an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1.Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return
Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the
mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the
typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A
few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the
floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the
drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard
putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to
his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking
the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his
computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the
technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had
also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but that his
computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell
Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I
pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal"
turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period.
How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am. Did you
receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup
holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It
just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because
he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the
load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support.
"I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk,
and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I
couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant
to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for
installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it's cover
and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the
disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
Gags For The Office Drone
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in
the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm,
that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I
really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't
want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there
must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll
never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four
at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important
conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act
genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
Blind Man & Nuns
Nuns where repainting their chapel. They kept getting paint on their clothes so
they decided to remove them, but agreed not to let ANYONE in until they were
done and replaced their clothing. Then they heard some one knocking and one of
them yelled, "Whooo is it?"
''The blind man!'' He yelled back.
They decided since he was blind it would be all right.
They opened the door and the man said, ''Nice boobs! Where do you want the
blinds?"
Three Nuns
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We
don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do
something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking,
"What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first
nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."
The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun
did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"
The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's
sinning. Go drink holy water."
The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The
third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Paraplegic
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the
paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her
nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one
day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch
was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I
can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Truck Driver & The Bikers
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a
cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three
motorcycles pulled up outside.
The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand
and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the
third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply
got up, paid the cashier, and left.
When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated
each other on being so "bad". As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists
growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"
"He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his
18-wheeler over three motorcycles."