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That Fly
What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield?
His Butt!
Santa Claus is a Woman
I think Santa Claus is a woman... I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but
I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm,
fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could
possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts
until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian
Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other
errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I'm convinced
Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still
in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would
be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped onto the
rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had
been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation
problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there
would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would
stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for
carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree
that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
* Men can't pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all
those elves.
* Men don't answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as
anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."
* Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick
up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men... Father Time shows
up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around
carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one
of these individuals could pass the testosterone-screening test. But not St.
Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on
earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably
makes little difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing
like a guy.
You're So Stupid
You're so stupid, you climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other
side!
Airline A-Hole
During a busy pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was
cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've
got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something
out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers behind him
could hear, "Do you have ANY idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention, please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout
the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17."
With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the
airline agent, gritted his teeth, and swore, "Screw you."
Without flinching, she smiled and replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
stand in line for that, too."
How To Sell Lawnmowers
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer
said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the
new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to
him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're
going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I
do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me
handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box
of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new
lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he
said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
Protons
What do you call a proton with big hair?
A 'froton.
New Popemobile
The Pope walked into a car dealership one day to buy a car. A young salesman
came out just as soon as the Pope walked onto the lot.
''Hello, can I help you?''
''Yes, I'm looking for a car to drive to the Vatican.''
''We have a wide selection, as you can see. As soon as you find one you like,
come get me.''
So the Pope looked around and found a really nice sports car. The Pope didn't
have his checkbook, so he said he would come back the next day to buy the car.
The next day he came back and the car had pieces cut out all over the place.
''What did you do to my car?!'' the Pope yelled.
''I was just trying to make it holy for you.''
Watermelon
Three girls named Samantha, Janet and Rebecca were driving through the country,
when all of a sudden their car stalls. Samantha remembers seeing a farm a little
ways back, so her and Janet walk to the farm, leaving Rebecca guarding the car.
When Samantha and Janet get to the farm, they tell the farmer what happened. The
farmer raises a gun to their head and tells them to get a fruit, vegetable,
whatever, just get something from the garden. Samantha grabs a turnip, and Janet
grabs a single grape. Just as they come back into the farmer's house, Rebecca
walks in. He tells Rebecca to do the same as they just did, and Rebecca heads
off towards the garden. While she's out in the garden, the farmer tells Samantha
and Janet to shove whatever they have up their ass, and who ever laughs, dies.
Samantha laughs first, so the farmer shoots her. Then Janet laughs and she gets
killed too.
So they are floating out of their bodies, and Janet asks Samantha why she died.
Samantha said that the thought of sticking a turnip up your ass was just too
funny. Samantha then asked Janet why she laughed, Janet said: "I saw Rebecca
coming around the corner with a watermelon!"
Sermon on Temperance
A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he
said, ''If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river.'' With even greater emphasis he said, ''And if I had all the wine in the
world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'' And then finally, he said,
''And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the
river.'' Sermon complete, he then sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced, ''For our closing song, let
us sing Hymn #365: 'Shall We Gather at the River.'''
Four Catholic Mothers
Four old Catholic women are sitting around bragging about their sons. The first
Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room,
everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a
room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a
room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three
women turn to her and say, "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 2, terribly handsome with broad, square
shoulders... good manners, dresses very well. He's got a tight, muscular body
and tight, hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever he walks into a room, women
say, 'Oh, my God!'"
Two Spoons
At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two
spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, "We see that
the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for
replacement."
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters'
flies and asked what the string was for. "The string is for us to go to the
bathroom," explained the waiter, "that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims
right away. Then we don't have to stop to wash our hands."
The customer asked, "Well, that's how you get it out, but how do you get it back
in?"
The waiter whispered confidentially, "I don't know about the others, but I use
the two spoons."
If Ever You're Choking...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some
chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken
bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is
choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and
bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches
these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up
all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls
his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right,that 'hind-lick' maneuver
works like a charm."
Men and Women
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke,
or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts;
I can get where I want to -- north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted
after only 2 beers; and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend
hours deciding what to wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't
go around checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I
don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why get all
bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit around waiting
for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back; I don't
carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill
you; or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational,
reasonable, and logical too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And
I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when
I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun than
dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work; I
won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate
pleasure; I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of child
delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my gender gets me
a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true; I'm so glad
I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of Budweiser, beer
nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections; I won't drive to
Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties and act like a
clown; and I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your
hooters, I won't pinch your butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer
gut. And I don't go around “re-adjusting” my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my
headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad
I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from
my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you can't see three inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to
cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you
know - I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me;
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and
shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you
my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that
gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep; then screw you, roll
over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old penis
envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks; join the Hair
Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful,
it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
Gold Coins
This is actually a true story that happened to one of our readers here at
Jokes.com, but it's as funny as any joke we've heard: One day on the way home
from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I
picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of
Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes,
from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and
ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking
the smaller ones. The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy
again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed
that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took
it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, ''What's this?'' The woman,
looking very serious, said, ''That's a condom, son.'' To which my son replied,
''My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!'' With a disgusted look on her
face, the Pharmacist replied, ''Those are NOT for children, young man.'' And
finally, my son replied, ''Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the
LITTLE ones!''
Equal Opportunity Asphyxiation
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can enjoy them, too.
Gassy Broad
Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for
baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very
embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and
her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, ''He is such a sweet and
gentle man but I don't think he can live with my problems.'' So she decided to
make the supreme sacrifice and give up beans.
A year later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in
the country, she called her husband and told him she would be late because she
had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked
beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she
figured that she could walk off any ill effect by the time she reached home. So
she stopped at the diner, and before she knew it she had consumed three large
orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted.
Upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband
seemed excited to see her, exclaming delightedly, ''Darling I have a surprise
for dinner tonight.'' He then blindfolded her then led her to a chair at the
table. Just as he was about to remove the blindfold the phone rang. He made her
promise not to touch the blindfold till he came back. Then he went to answer the
phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was
becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized
the opportunity, shifted the weight to one leg, and let it go. It was not only
loud, but it smelt like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk coming froma
pulp mill. She took a napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then she
shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage
cooking. Keeping her ears turned to the conversation in the other room, she went
on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signed the end of
her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with the napkin, placed it on
her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contently to herself, she was the
picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long,
he asked her if she peeked and she assured him that she had not. At this point,
he removes the blindfold to reveal twelve dinner guests seated around the table
to wish her a first Happy Anniversary!
Do You Have A Light?
Two guys were attending a party in the woods, when all of a sudden, the skies
opened up and rained torrents on everybody. They ran for their car, jumped in,
and gunned it. They were going pretty fast when an old man's face appeared in
the passenger window, knocking on it! The passenger screamed, but decided to
roll down his window halfway.
''What do you want?'' he asked.
''Do you have any tobacco?'' asked the old man. The passenger handed the old man
a cigarette, and he went away.
''Go faster!'' said the passenger. ''I don't want to see him again!'' So the
driver pushed the spedometer to 80 mph. But soon, the old man appears at the
window again! Scared, the passenger rolls down his window again.
''Do you have a light?'' said the old man's face. Trembling, the passenger
handed him a pack of matches. And the old man went away.
''Drive faster!'' said the passenger. So they pushed it to 100 mph. But ten
minutes later, the face returns. ''What do you want from us?'' screamed the
passenger.
The old man gently replied ''You jackasses want some help getting out of the
mud?''
Fishing For a Sale
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In
fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The
boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of
him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close
up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small
fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department
and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car
department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a
guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and
I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Attempted Suicide
One day, an old lady decided that she didn't want to live anymore. So she went
to the doctor and asked, ''What's the best way to kill yourself?'' The doctor
told her, ''Well, shooting yourself in the heart is a fast method.'' She asked
him, ''Where's the heart located?'' The doctor said, ''It's three fingers below
the nipple.''
Later on, the police and paramedics arrive at her house. When the paramedic asks
what happened, one officer says, ''We found her on the floor with a gunshot
wound to the knee.''
The Never-Ending Joint
There was this pot-head walking down a road when a genie appeared in front of
him and said, "I'll grant you two wishes. What is your first wish?" asked the
genie. The pot-head replied, "I want a never ending joint. The genie goes, "As
you wish," and gave him the joint. The pot-head took a long drag and said,
"Cool. I want another one!"