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Helen Keller Feller
Why didn't anybody hear Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.
Knock Knock... Matthew
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Matthew.
Matthew who?
Matthews are wet, can I come in and dry them?
Hollywood Lessons
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around
in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman,
but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system
of any invading alien society.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a
half-hour to escape.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before
long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in
their most revealing underwear.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly
choose to cut the right wire.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall
building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot
asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
Heaven and Hell
John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a
terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him
anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St.Peter and said, "St.Peter, I know Bob
was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn''t make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time.
St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one
side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.
John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right
place?"
"My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It
has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!''
Long Sermon
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during
the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the
service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. ''I went to get a
haircut,'' was the reply.
''But,'' said the pastor, ''why didn't you do that before the service?''
''Because,'' the gentleman said, ''I didn't need one then.''
Silk Stalkings
What do men and stockings have in common?
They either run, cling, or don't fit in the crotch!
The Hired Help
An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't
handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The
only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So
she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm
back together.
The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give
herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her
friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When
he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell
you.”
The gay guy said, “Okay.”
So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.
She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.
She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.
Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and
you're fired.”
Things You Wouldn't Know Without
Movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know
all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems
of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never
suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless
it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally
at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Rabbi and Priest
A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's
house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling
water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded,
''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....''
and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
An Old Fart
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and
leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems O.K. but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her
chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her
up.
Again, she seems O.K. but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side.
The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all
morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God
bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying.
The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The
father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit
spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta
ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next
morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next
night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta,
Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the
doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally
came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here
-- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this
morning!"
A Letter From A Redneck Mother
To Her Son
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we
did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within
twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the
last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house,
so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled
the chain and haven't seen 'em since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the
second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too
heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final
payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if
it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he
fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for
three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the
other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and
swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this
letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma
A Few Philisophical
Statements...
Always take the time to smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a
bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek... nothing gets the
message across like a good mooning.
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators
with a lot of bright people.
It's always darkest just before dawn...so if you're gonna steal the neighbors'
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown... and fewer still to ignore
someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on
someone else.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.
It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
When I'm feeling down I like to whistle... it makes my neighbor's dog run to the
end of his chain and gag himself.
A Definite Definition
A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word
today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is
"absolute, positive, without a doubt."
She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She
calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of
herself.
Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky
is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is
not definitely blue. Anyone else?"
Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.
Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."
"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and
sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely
clear. Anyone else?"
Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.
"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.
"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.
"Yes."
"Do farts have lumps?"
"No. Why do you ask."
"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection. He was 71.
Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was
kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many
turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough
on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is
survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
Computer vs. Air Conditioner
How is a computer like an air conditioner?
When you open Windows it won't work!
The Unconcerned Widow
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other.
When they had a fight, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
He constantly told his wife in front of all the people in the town: "When I die,
I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the
rest of your life!"
The neighbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing
cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was quite feared and enjoyed
it very much.
Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and there was a
closed-casket funeral. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar
and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a
group to ask if she wasn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the
grave.
The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him
buried upside down!"